| Viva Ed Vegas Introduction-Mud Sling-Edd
Viva Ed Vegas Chapter One-Eds Will Roll
Chapter Two-Getting Better Aquaint-ED
Chapter Three-Put the Ed into Action
Chapter Four-We've Creat-ED a Monster
Previous Page
Chapter 5-Fear And Loathing In Ed Vegas
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NOW PLAYING......Burning Down The house-Jom Jones VS The Cardigans-Watch Out Eddy, You might get what you're after...
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(pic by Rach)
"Right guys!" said Daisy stoutly as
she wrenched the stubborn handle open of the door to the
long-abandoned function suite. "We’ve got a lot of spring-
cleaning to do!"
"Oh dear, a new neurosis!" whined Edd as he spluttered on
the upset dust.
Melissa flicked the light on and the huge beamer bulbs
warped and began to glow, one-by-one.
"Pinch me Ed, I must be dreaming,,,ow!" squeaked Eddy when
Ed took him literally.
"Hey,,,what’s that sound?" said Edd to Melissa, his ears
pricked up. Melissa pointed towards the recording studio.
"It’s just Travis,,,he must be mixing something."
"Let’s check it out!" piped Eddy scampering towards the door across the bingo tables.
"Eddy! We need some help here!" complained Edd as he and
Melissa strained to push them to the side. "Yeah, yeah, when
I’m good and ready!" muttered Eddy as he opened the door.
Travis stood in the middle of the recording space,
surrounded by 2 keyboards, PVC pipes, milk bottles with
assorted measurements of water and his guitar swinging
liberally from his shoulders.
"How’s it goin, Guv?" sniggered Eddy in a crusty English
accent as he sauntered up nosily.
"Make yourself useful, Edster." Snorted Travis as he knocked
the pipes with his boot to make a clunky hollow sound. "Plug
the auxiliary lead on those speakers into the keyboards."
"Whatever you say, swap-shop boy!" smirked Eddy as he
plunged them into the sockets. The music ruptured through
the function room, and Edd ran gallantly to the source.
"What in Heaven’s name do you two think you’re doing?!?" he
screeched over the din. "Do you know what time it is?!?"
"Insyncopated-style!" crooned Ed, gyrating his hips to the salsa
beat. Much against protest, Edd couldn’t resist moving his
shoulder to the beat. Eddy soon followed suit. They looked
pretty strange standing there twitching one shoulder, then
the other, then the other simultaneously. Travis jacked the
Keyboard up and with one hand played his melody while with
the other he rapped a drumstick along the bottles of milk,
making a crisp mardi-gras kinda sound.
"We’re cookin’ Double D!" crowed Eddy, shooting the air.
"Hey...this is Tom Jones, ain't it?"
"Well, I figured I’d mix some tunes of my own for when they
walk in, but this one's a little jazzed up version of
Burning Down the House." Travis stamped down on the kettle
drum pedal." I take it It's got the Eddy seal of approval
then?" he smirked.
"Is the Pope jewish?" grimaced Eddy smartly.
"No!" irked Travis and Edd simultaneously.
"Isn't he?" questioned Eddy one eyebrow raised.
"No!" laughed Edd and Travis.
"Oh..." shrugged Eddy. "Oh right well, okay...cool track!"
"Sound!" smirked Travis " only problem is I can’t find the
speakers to set up in the lobby."
"Buddy, you’re talkin’ to the Fonz of Funk, The King of
Cool, the Sultan of Speakers!" boasted Eddy. "We’ll set
up mine!"
"Fair do’s" agreed Travis. "hey Daisy, get your keester in
here!" he ordered, struggling to maintain his domination of
the keyboard and keep the milk bottle chimes strong.
"I can’t Trav, I’m doing this!" she answered.
"You’re doing what?!?" piped Eddy, he stood with his jaw touching the ground.
"Whoa! Lucy, I’m home!"
Daisy was teetering on top of a 15 foot ladder sanding down the
wooden frame of a huge Jawbreaker Fruit Machine. She had
converted an ordinary fruit machine and it stood in all its
glory at the base.
"Now all we need is some pyrex." She sniffed, plucking her
safety goggles off.
"Did I tell you I love that girl?" swooned Eddy, holding
onto Edd’s shirt. "Can’t you feel it, Double D?!? In less
than 24 hours we’ll be up there shakin’ our groove thang and
wallowing in claustrophobic celebrity. Oooh I can’t wait!"
he rubbed his hands together.
"I can" mumbled Edd as he stepped up onto the huge platform
looking over the bingo space. He could hear the hecklers
chanting in his mind already-Double Dork! Double Dork!
Double-
"Hey Double D, you okay?" asked Melissa, hauling a huge
trunk onto the stage. "Oh, Eddy, Travis and I compiled a
list of songs we’re gonna perform-check ‘em out!" she handed
him a list.
"Hmm" muttered Edd as he ran his eyes over it. " There’s a
lot of 70’s songs here"
"Courtesy of Eddy." Smirked Melissa sarcastically. " Erm…
would you like to contrubite any nominations? I mean, Peach
Creek can't live on the Love Unlimited Orchestra
alone."
"I'll go away and think about it, okay?" he smiled, looking
at the list again.
"Boy,you sure do have a thing for RnB don’t you, Mel?"
smiled Edd.
"How can I not love music so painful and sensual all that
the same time?" she waxed poetically. "I'd love to sing with
you if you're up for it, Double dee..."
"I dunno, I don’t exactly have a tenor’s voice"-
"Well, a fiver will do!" she sniggered. Edd looked at her
like she had a spatula on her head. "It’s a joke, see in
England they call 10..oh, never mind."
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((PIC COURTESY OF KIT))
"Hey guys!" called Nazz from the doorway.
"Hell-o!" drooled Travis. "Who’s the Moon Goddess?"
"Oh, that’s Nazz, flaky!" cackled Eddy. Travis frowned. "Forget
it pal, you’ll never get next to her." Dismissed Eddy. "Now,
me on the other hand, I tend to have a certain magnetism,
one might say."
"Yeah, as in you belong on a refrigerator door, tooty-boy!"
scoffed Travis as he watched her out of the studio window.
"hmm...she's okay, I guess." Travis shrugged after staring at her for quite some time.
Eddy choked in disbelief.
"Are you kidding, the girl's a bombshell! There ain't a cat round here who
wouldn't give their right arm for a clitch with her, man!"
Eddy joined him at the window and cackled patronisingly as he looked Travis up and down.
" Then again, I guess your girlies have to be stand-ins for Elvira, am I right?"
Travis looked at him from th corner of his eye.
" Details Eddy...pure details." he said with a smirk.
"Hiya, Nazz!" welcomed Melissa. "Watcha been up to?"
"Oh well, I’m sorry I’m so late, I know I said I’d be here
sooner but I had a stupid history essay to complete! well at
least I got that out of the way now, hey, I brought my
trumpet with me!" she beamed, clipping open the leather case.
"I didn’t know you could play the trumpet!" beamed Melissa.
"Oh, I’m only learning! The music teacher started me off on
50’s Jazz, like Otis Redding and Al Greene. It’s weird" Nazz
said as she put the pieces of the trumpet together. " I
never liked that kind of music until lately, now I think
it’s kinda cool in that retro sorta-way!"
"Hmm" pondered Melissa as Travis slammed the recording
studio door behind him.
"Hey ur, I don’t believe we’ve been introduced" said Travis
coyly, looking tellingly at Melissa. She caught on.
"Oh! Um, Nazz, this is my twin brother, Travis!"
"Pleased to meet me!" smiled Travis cheekily as he shook her
hand.
"Um, I like your hair, Travis." Giggled Nazz, her hand
nervously over her mouth.
"Otis Redding! So it's jazz and blues you're into?" he asked
in his maturing John Lennon accent. "I think we’ve got an
Otis track here on song sheet if you wanna go practise" he
said, walking towards the store cupboard while
simultaneously finding it excruciatingly difficult to take
his eyes off her. She blushed as they walked. Travis reached
for the recording studio key from his sporran. "That's cool
that you play the trumpet, cos not alot of peeps our age
appreciate it, and it's a fantastic instrument, don't ya think?"
"Oh yeah, totally!" beamed Nazz enthusiastically, much to the bewilderment of everyone else in the room.
What was the coolest girl in Peach Creek doing chatting to probably the wierdest kid
This side of Las Vegas? The two chattered on
for a bit, Nazz fidgeting uncharacteristically nervously
with the buttons on the trumpet.
"Can I just say, your accent is awesome!" she gushed as she
leaned on one side of the door frame and Travis leaned the
other. Travis tried hard not to show his embarrasment, and
was thankful for the plastered on facepaint that covered up
his rouge cheeks. Eddy looked on with irritation.
" Wow...I've never seen Travis TALK so much!" laughed Melissa
to Eddy. He scowled as seemingly neither one of the girls he
had his eye on-Nazz and Daisy-seemed the slightest bit
interested.
"Duck and cover!" despaired Ed, remembering the last time
Nazz tackled a brass instrument…ouch!
"Greetings, Nazz!" purred Eddy, loud enough for Daisy to
hear. Daisy’s eyebrows drooped cynically as she hammered the
last piece of Pyrex in. She knew what he was up to! Travis
scowled darkly. "Man, you’re looking good tonight!" Eddy
gloated To Nazz. She chuckled and fluttered her eyelashes.
Travis stood between them and proceeded to haul the drumset
onto the stage in preparation for the next night.
"Thank you, Eddy." Nazz said coyly. Daisy hopped down from
the stepladder.
Travis fished the melody sheet for "Burning Down The House" out
from his sock. The track had soul, but now it needed some kind
of spontaneous push. He glared from under his black-and-white
greasepaint at Eddy prancing up and down like a peacock as
he sweet-talked Nazz. He looked up at Daisy who was also
giving Eddy daggers. He’s just doing that to make me jealous
but it worked! She seethed to herself.
"Fighting fire with fire!" she mouthed to Travis with a sly wink.
Travis recognised what she meant and reached for the synthesiser
sitting dormant by the side of the stage. He started hammering
out the mellow but electrically charged
notes. Daisy hoisted the remaining Pyrex over her shoulder.
"Watch out!" she hissed down Eddy’s ear as she scooted past
him."You might get what you're after!"
"Cool baby, you're strange but not a stranger!" He replied,
turning on his heels to follow her to the other side of the
room, Travis still banging out the beat. he arched his arm
around the corner and flicked the auxilary switch so the
Travis Version of this fiery tune blasted out of the
speakers. Nazz looked on, confused. Edd stumbled in on the
soulful squabble with a bag full of nastiness for the
Breakerbombs, unaware of the duelling duet right in front of
him.
"I'm no ordinary guy..." winked Eddy.
"Burning down the house!" He and Daisy chorused. Eddy spun
proudly on his heel. "Hold tight!"
"Wait till the party's over!" Daisy grinned at Travis. He
beckoned to Nazz and she skipped over with her trumpet.
"Hold tight!" Declared Eddy, shimmying up to her.
Nazz
started up the trumpet, following the notes as closely as
she could off the songsheet. Daisy climbed up the ladder
backwards as Eddy tried to encircle her.
"We're in for nasty weather!" she taunted, two steps up from
his head. By this point Edd was watching in utter loss,
while Melissa had taken up the low notes of the piano. In
the middle of Peach Creek you could have sworn Tom Jones had
set up camp for the night.
"There has got to be a way!" he boasted. " burnin' down the
house!" Eddy followed her as she clambered from one wooden
frame to the other. he crooned as Nazz piped strongly on her
trumpet, much to the surprise of Edd who brought earplugs
just in case. Daisy jumped down, only to be cornered by
Eddy, a devilish glint in his eye.
"Here's your ticket, pack your bags!
Time for jumping
overboard!" she continued, Travis just strumming on his own.
"Transportation is here!"
"Close enough but not too far!
Baby you know where you are...fighting fire with fire!"
he croaked grabbing her waist as she danced her way out.
 "All wet!" she twisted herself over to an abandoned bingo table.
"Yeah, you might need a raincoat!" he laughed, trying to fence her in.
"Shake it down!" she continued, sliding backwards along the
table. "Your dream's walkin in broad daylight!" Travis swapped over to bass guitar.
"3 hundred and sixty fiery degrees!" exclaimed Eddy with Daisy,
leaning over her, going in for the kill. "burning down the
house!"
She darted away onto the neighbouring table just before he could plant a kiss on her lips.
"My house!he proclaimed, leaping onto her table and swinging his hips in her direction.
"It's out of the ordinairy" tweeted Daisy with a twist of her belly.
"That's right!" Eddy punched the air
"Don't wanna hurt nobody!" she purred.
"Some things sure can...sweep me off my feet!" Eddy pulled Daisy into him.
"Burning down the house!" She twirled away teasingly.
The rabble of musicians collided, Melissa hammering the piano, Nazz heaving as hard as she could to pelt out those notes and Travis back onto his drums, keeping track of the song’s biorhythm.
"C’mon Ed!" demanded Daisy, dragging poor Ed up from under the table. "How’s about we lose the zero and make with the hero?"
"Gravy!" said Ed with a cheesy grin.
"You’re wormfood, Ed!" spat Eddy as he slid under his legs. Daisy stood by, tapping her foot with her arms folded condescendingly as the band silenced and Travis was alone again.
"There was once upon a place, sometimes I listen to myself...gonna come in first place!"
She matched Eddy into the wall
"People on their way to work, baby what did you expect?" she growled.
"Gonna burst into flame!" Eddy picked her up greedily.
"fighting fire with fire" he chimed as Travis strangled the guitar
"Watch out!" Eddy bellowed, Daisy skipping around him as he
caught her. "You might get what you're after!" She twirled
away with ease and Eddy skirted up behind her.
"Cool baby! Strange but not a stranger!" crooned Eddy and
Daisy along to the track. "I am no ordinary guy/girl!" he
clicked his fingers at her."Burning down the house! "Daisy
beckoned and Eddy felt compelled to obey.
"Invisible, unstoppable and you ain't not seen nothin' yet!"
he proclaimed indignantly, as Daisy walked towards the
door. He scooted around her and tangoed her with stealth
into the centre of the room. She pushed him away playfully.
"Everythin's stuck together!" They chorused. Eddy pinched
her chin flirtatiously.
"I dunno what you expect-!"
"Staring into yo' TV set!" she answered.
"Fightin' fire with fire!" the two hotheads cheered. They
continued to boogie on down together happily, oblivious to
everyone else in the room looking at them like the ed-the-balls
they were.
"What’s going on?!?" asked Edd to Melissa, totally bemused as she hammered out the last of the piano notes.
"Poetry in motion, Double D. That’s what." She answered with a
victorious grin. "Ladies and gentlemen" she bellowed,
putting her hands around Eddy’s and Daisy’s shoulders and
pulling them in. " Viva Ed Vegas has a duo!"
"Sounded like the cats were fighting, if you ask me!" muttered Edd with a sneaky grin to himself.
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"Hey Melissa, what’s in the trunk?"
"Behold!" she cried as she swung the lid back.
The gaggle of kids gaped in amazement as the treasure inside shimmered and shone.
"Oh my ,,,Is that a feather boa?!?" gushed Nazz as she pulled the long
feathery garment out. "Whose stuff is this, Mel?" she said as
she wrapped it around her.
"Most of the stuff in here is old suits and junk from the StarsNSweatNSamba revue we had 2 years ago in Vegas." Explained Melissa.
"Man, that was awesome!" said Daisy. "It was at the Poxy Music Open-air casino, and it was gorgeous and the sky was full of stars,,, I actually started to sweat!"
"You're kidding!" said Eddy sarcastically, a cynical eyebrow raised as he put his hands to his
face dramatically. Daisy stared at him with a confused look on her face.
"This is so cool!" Nazz squealed as she and Ed yanked a load of tinsel and diamond encrusted gowns and cloaks.
"My,,,what a bold ensemble!" exclaimed Edd as he pulled out a suede purple cowboy hat and matching shirt.
"That's something I'd expect from Jimmy, Double D!" laughed Eddy. Edd seethed.
"You like it?" asked Melissa. "It was my dad’s."
"Um,,,its a bit too um,,,how can I put it"-
"Frilly?!?" squawked Eddy, trying on a pair of glittery platform shoes.
"The word I was looking for was extravagant, Eddy!" scowled Edd.
"Admit it, Double D...you dig the cowboy suit!" grinned Melissa flirtatiously.
"On someone else, maybe,,,but I think its a tad too confining for me." He gulped when he tugged on the waist of the matching purple pants.
"In your dreams!" hooted Eddy, putting a bright red codpiece with a sequin encrusted dollar sign on over his jeans
"Whoo-hoo, better lock up your daughters!"
"Somehow I think incarceration may seem more appealing to the
female population of Peach Creek if you wore that, Eddy!" snubbed Edd with a condescending tone.
Melissa tittered as she pulled out Daisy’s rocketeer boots.
"Who’s THAT good looking guy?" slobbered Ed as he admired himself in the mirror wearing Eddy’s
brothers prom tux.
"Get some glasses, Ed,,,hey, wait!" Eddy said in double-take.
" I thought that suit was ruined! It fell to pieces!"
"Oh...um," whispered Melissa to Eddy. "Ed loved that suit, so he brought it to me! It actually
wasn’t too damaged, only the stitching had become a bit loose, but it was an easy fix,,,hey, Ed,,,do me a favour?"
"Who’s there?" asked Ed, looking over the flip mirror.
"Turn around!" she asked.
"Oh...okay." Ed spun around. She slapped her forehead wearily.
"No, Ed" she sighed "Show Eddy what’s on your back!"
"AAARGH!! What’s on my back!?!?" panicked Ed, flapping around.
"Oh not this again!" she groaned as she yanked him over, still squirming. She turned him around.
"Whoa,,," Gulped Edd and Eddy. On Ed’s back Melissa had Embroidered the words
" Viva Ed Vegas!" in huge flamboyant calligraphy. The capital letters were entwined lovingly and the lower case letters formed
a crystallised cluster, bursting with dazzling strobes of neon pink, green and gold.
"You never cease to amaze me, Mel,,," slurred Edd admiringly. Seeing that they were pretty much alone as the other kids rummaged through the trunk,
Edd once again seized the opportunity to kiss her,,,
"C’mon, Sockhead! Enough with the Casablanca stuff, we’ve got work to do!" ordered Eddy, dragging him towards the exit. Edd, again
foiled in his quest for a kiss that was actually enjoyable, sighed
in defeat as Ed hoisted him and the bag of Breakerbomb ingredients over his shoulder.
"I wish I had a turtle shell!" he laughed.
"Well, Eddy,,,it looks like we have almost everything on the list for the special Mother Of All
Breakerbombs!" said Edd as he lay out the assorted articles
on the wallpaper table in his garage. He put a peg over his nose as he poured them into a huge cauldron.
"Now,,,the idea is that they are manufactured in exactly the same way as the Vegabreakers,
but due to the putrid nature of the ingredients I feel it wise
not to contaminate the Improbreaker machine any more than absolutely necessary." He irked as he plucked
Ed’s socks off wearing extremely thick rubber gloves.
"Whatever you say, Mr Germ-Away!
Get it Ed,,,it rhymes! Man, I’m a hoot!" sneered Eddy as he scraped the debris out from between Ed’s toes with a chisel.
"That tickles, Eddy! Hur ha ha hur!" gurgled Ed, his toes wiggling.
"Stay still, platterhead!" ordered Eddy after being kicked for the fourth time through
Ed’s incessant convulsing with laughter.
"As pointless as it is, your brother sure does know how to make the simplest sentences into very catchy
poems Eddy! That I MUST admit!" complemented Edd as he followed it
Edd Chicken Korma, Chloroform and pasta that’s gone crusty
Eddy Mash potato, Squashed Tomato, toast that’s turning musty
Edd Baking soda, pepper too-
Eddy Don’t forget the superglue
Edd and Eddy To stick it all together and now we have got a centre!
"My, this is becoming contagious!" giggled Edd as he churned the foul mixture with a wooden ladle.
Eddy Pizza dough that’s 3 years old
Ed I found it in my shower!
Edd Earl grey Tea
Eddy It sickens me
Edd Its been cold for an hour!
Eddy MY masterpiece, the coup-de-grease
Add breakerbombs a-plenty!
Just Throw em in,
It ain’t no sin
My mercy bank is empty!
Eddy cackled with delight as Edd hooked the improbreaker machine
up to the cauldron. Ed launched himself onto the bike.
"My turn! My turn!"
he howled as he pedalled ferociously, his tongue flapping.
"Go baby, Go!" cheered Eddy.
"Smelly smelly smelly!" whined Edd as he scooped up Ed’s generous contribution of toejam
in a spade on a 20 foot long pole. He dropped it into the cauldron,
which fed directly into the furnace. The flames jumped up and roared as Ed gathered speed.
"Double D" flashed on IMPROs screen. "Ingredient Malfunction."
"Oh dear!" panicked Edd as he slammed the autobreak down on the bike to inspect the problem.
"You have all the fun!" Ed sulked.
Edd opened the capsule and was horrified by what he was confronted with.
Inside lay a pustule of utter vileness and desanitation.
"I-I cant breathe!" he screeched as he felt himself go light-headed though inhaling
the pungent odour. Ed caught him mid-fall.
"Hey-Hey-Hey! What’s the hold-up?!?" complained Eddy, jumping up from his deck chair.
"I have never witnessed such a degree of inhumanity in my whole life!" despaired Edd.
"Its absolutely"-
"Brilliant!" interrupted Eddy, pushing past him and Ed. "Its the key to the oyster, Double D!"
"Eddy, this is terrible!" he pleaded " I fear this is too severe, even for the Kankers!"
"Tar and feathers ain't severe enough for those three!" snapped Eddy. "Keep it a-coming guys!"
"I need to sit down!" said Edd, slumping onto Eddy’s deckchair.
"No-no-no-no-no!" Eddy protested. "Huh,,,whats this?!?"
Eddy picked up a really heavy jetpack. He threw it over his shoulders and near collapsed with the weight.
"Oh, that’s my flour-powered rocketblaster, Eddy." Boasted Edd.
"Cool, gimme a go!" Eddy ordered, tying the leather strap around his waist.
"Im afraid it doesn’t work" sighed Edd sadly. "I need a special donut-mint coin for the levitation
mechanism inside the engine, and they don’t produce those coins anymore."
"Man, that stinks!" hissed Eddy, flinging it into the corner.
"Why a coin, why not an ordinary bolt, or bottlecap or something?"
"The world is physics and physics is the world, Eddy!"
"Like salad dressing?" asked Ed.
",,,As I was saying,,," muttered Edd. "A donut-mint coin is precisely the required dexterity and shape for
the function of my jetpack. All that hard work only to be so
painfully disappointed." He mumbled glumly.
"C’mon Double D, get a grip!" snapped Eddy " We’ve got a lot of labour ahead of us.
Peach Creek won’t know what’s hit it!" he sneered wickedly.
"Its going to be a long night" Edd moaned.
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